"Always New Depths."

Hey gang,

I have a lot of exciting projects coming up ahead that I can't wait to spill the beans on, particularly a few ideas regarding upcoming Off the Wall shows that are requiring entirely new floor diagrams, stage designs, and inspiring talk of tag-outs, surprise guests, Comedy Central Presents headliners and organized heckling.

But not right now, I'm kinda busy.


I've been having a lot of fun with my actual job, drawing cartoons for the University of Maryland Diamondback - the same daily that gave the world the creators of the Boondocks, Liberty Meadows, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I've been focusing my attention on editorial cartoons over the last two months, which I feel give me a finger on the pulse on campus issues and the ability to push prominent issues to the forefront through humor. Also, I try to incorporate the word "balls" into a lot of them.

That in mind, like with children, I can't be proud of all of them.

At the very least, I can find reasons to laugh at toons I'm not that fond of, like the above rush job, where I illustrated the flood of protesters angry over the termination of the diversity office belonging to Professor Cordell Black. There's something about the fact that my diversity crowd consists of a bunch of identically drawn white dudes that I feel was thankfully lost on all of our readers.

I really had to fight for the line, "Some of us are trying to work and be white here." I'm going to keep that one handy.

This one was a last-minute substitute after the original cartoon, depicting Terps quarterback Chris Turner as a brilliantly coiffed baby whining that he didn't want to share, was rejected in the newsroom as "impossibly adorable, but inaccurate" when it turns out the source of the story was simply hearsay and Turner was much more understanding about allowing others to lead our 2-7 club than originally believed. I'll have to get a hand on that toon, which is hanging proudly in the office and is occasionally rubbed for good luck.

So, the new toon was based off an idea my editor, Rob Gindes, gave me. In exchange for the lead, I drew an aged version of him as the public masturbator (you see, we've been having problems with them for those not in the UMD loop - just ask the denizens of the library, buses and parking garages) on the left. He also heavily resembles Kurtwood Smith, of Red Foreman of That 70's Show fame. He's also that gangster from Robocop who told the bitches to leave so eloquently in that one scene.

FWAP Count: 2

Gindes has been a really big help as we brainstorm ideas and he's played a part in roughly 75% of my toons. This one, from a slow news day, was all Rob, and was neither one of our proudest moments. The head of the Department of Transportation Services has been rightfully villainized for a variety of reasons, and the fact that the disabled now had to pay at meters was another feather in his devious, yet fruity cap. But I thought the actual "quote" was whiny and kinda lame.

So, I drew the cartoon in the style of the girl who handles the cartoons on Thursday and hoped for the best.

The Carmine Infantino-esque hand box is something I'm very proud of, however.


Sometimes cartooning represents a strange sort of wish fulfillment for me, such as when I gave myself this hoodie that read "CHILI NITE." I'd wear that, and I would wear that both often and appropriately.

I like to draw previous issues of the newspaper whenever possible. This one features a reasonable facsimile of the day before's, including the top right's declaration that "Weezer Suck Now," which I paraphrased somewhat.

As the editorial cartoonist for Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, I tend to do most of my drawing on Tuesdays and Thursdays during my Biology lecture. When I draw students, they tend to be frankenkids pieced together from people in my class. The girl on the left is made up of three different hairstyles. The guy in the middle is wearing a girl's shirt from the Washington International Horse Show, with hat and sideburns from kids on completely opposite sides of the room.

And sometimes I just hit my stride. This one's one of my absolute favorites, right down to the combinations of campus publications The Diamondback, The Mitzpeh, Public Asian, and the Black Explosion. And I want a fryburger.

Remember what I said earlier about being proud of your children?

Boner Graph is definitely the one that's getting all my money in the will.

Boner Graph as a young doodle, givin' 111%.

FWAP Count: 3

"Baller Weekend."

Justin Cousson and the Bentzen Ball

A Story in Numbers, to be Updated Constantly with New Photos and Thoughts.

Warming Up

01. I never noticed the Lincoln Theater was right across the street from the U St. Metro. Never before. So, I cross.

02. I run into Jeff Jetton, the legendary BYT "Ideas Guy." He gives me my official festival
COM
EDIAN
laminate.

03. There is a shortage of lanyards, so I have to hold it between my thumb and index finger for most of the night until I improvise, placing it with my keys on my Washington Bullets Juwan Howard's All-Star Reading Team lanyard from elementary school.

04. First thing I do is take a picture of my comedian pass against the illuminated Bentzen Ball graphic in front of the Lincoln Theatre, placing it next to the picture of my face. Thanks to the shot featuring me wearing the winter hat I wore during my first year of stand-up, I look like I have a killer mullet.

05. While taking this picture, I miss Patton Oswalt walking by.

o6. "Hey, are you up to anything?" "No, I just got here."

07. Okay, so the first time I see the Studio Theater (where I'll be performing on Saturday) is when I'm fetching three six-packs of Flying Dog ale to bring down to HR-57, which I'm about to get introduced to.

HR-57 - 8:00 p.m. Thursday

08. I'm performing in a jazz club.

09. Albeit on a locals-only show programmed directly against the festival's opening show. Counting from the guys outside the door, it looks like Patton Oswalt, Mary Lynn Rasjkub, and friends will have to deal with the likes of myself, Vish Bhatt, Aparna Nancherla, Hampton Yount and Seaton Smith.

010. I introduce Aparna to my mother. Aparna finally wins a height-off.

10.5. Me and aforementioned Mumsy, who came out for my shows at HR-57 and at the Studio Theater.

011. I haven't seen Randolph Terrace since June of 2008, when he memorably emceed an open mic, refusing to tell jokes until a constantly laughing drunk was escorted from the premises.

012. Of course, being new then, I was terrified that I lost the one guy who'd enjoy my set.

013. Tonight's attire: Tegan and Sara hoodie.

014. I'm nervous over one thing more than anything. Over the last two months, I've been unable to say the word "professor" on stage without developing a lisp.

015. My first theory is that maybe this is why comedians keep a bottle of water onstage with them.

016. Shauna Alexander's taking photos of the show. She's apparently a pretty big fan.

017. Later that night, I would draw her a robot on a napkin, as is the customary return of affection.

018. Seaton Smith hosted, and I wished that we could've had a guy on the piano or the drums to add a little mood to our surroundings.

019. There had to be something I could do. So, I spent Randolph's set brainstorming.

020. And after I took the stage, the rest of the comics would be performing in front of a bass drum that said "Justin Cousson Trio."

021. I went on early because Vish Bhatt (scheduled to go on third) wanted more time to fine-tune his setlist.

022. Being a good friend, I volunteered, completely forgetting to write a setlist myself.

023. "Oh yeah," I told Shauna, "I'll totally play the drums if it makes for a good picture."

024. Winging it!

025. Applause from the crowd for being young, slight bewilderment for being unprepared, but at least the photos will show that I looked damn good.

026. Here come the ballers! Swinging by to support the locals.

027. Chelsea Peretti (I was too shy to approach her)

028. Hugh Moore (I wonder if people ever think his name is fake)

029. Brendan Walsh (Excellent Beard)

030. Reggie Watts (Excellent Human Being)

031. Reggie brought down the house with an impromptu set, although I think that all of his sets are like that. The way the man improvises and uses his surroundings is magical.

032. I was slightly distracted, though, as our giftbags were waiting in the back of the room.

What's In the Bag?

032. Official Bentzen Ball Program

033. Bentzen Ball silkscreen poster

034. Sony MHS-CMI Camcorder

035. "Versions" by Thievery Corporation

036. "Family" by Le Loup

037. A Dan Deacon CD
038. Dan Deacon sticker

039. The XX sticker.

040. Julian Plenti promotional matches.

041. Free Pass to Madame Tussard's Wax Museum
042. Matador Records button

043. Sony Memory Card (8 GB)
044. Vampire Weekend "Contra" sticker
045. A bag of Route 11 Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips ("Chipping Away Since 1992")
046. A bag of Snikiddy All-Natural Grilled Cheese Puffs
047. CLIFF BAR! (Carrot Cake)
048. The Not for Tourists Guide to Washington D.C.
049. Mock Stars: Indie Comedy and the Dangerously Funny by John Wenzel
050. The Great Outdoor Fight by Chris Onstad
051. "Legalize Gay" t-shirt (L)
052. NPR t-shirt (M)

053. I have to go to Macroeconomics in the morning.

054. Haha. No.

Afterparty #1: Bohemian Caverns - 12-3 a.m. Thursday Night

055. The name "Bohemian Caverns" is literal. It looks normal on the outside, but inside the venue, the place is the Batcave.

056. "If you're ever just completely hammered this weekend, you three can totally crash on my couch."

057. VIPs have very, very big couches, it seems.

Social Function: Pizza at the Italian Pizza Kitchen on U St.

058. Moments that Will Be Denied: Jeff Jetton and I, being the first people there, are alone in the Italian Pizza Kitchen, listening to Nickelback.

059. Granted, it was on the radio, but still.

060. Here, fame is accurately measured in free pizza and Honest Tea.

061. I finally talked to Chelsea Peretti. I inform her that she was my Bentzen Ball crush in the questionnaire. She lets me know that I've taken that first step and now she hears wedding bells.

062. I swoon enough to not talk to her for the rest of the week.

063. I'm in the bathroom washing my hands and I hear a knock at the door.

064. It's Todd Barry.

065. Who should've locked the door, because a girl from Howard University would then walk in five minutes later.

066. She doesn't even realize how famous the "old guy in the bathroom" was. I wink at the camera.

067. According to Reggie Watts and XM Radio, I'm not only a great comedian, but a fantastic 80s synth-pop band.

068. Reggie Watts can be bribed.

069. I make small talk with two employees from Honest Tea and down two bottles of "Pomegranate Blue."

070. I can't recommend it highly enough. You can really taste the blue.

071. I see my first arm-wrestling match of the festival between the two Tea pushers. My money was on the girl.

072. "It ain't comedy that's in my blood - it's selling out." - Krusty the Clown.

073. Honest Tea Photo Op with Andy Wood, Reggie Watts, and Jackie Kashian.

74. Flying Dog Ale!

Ben's Chili Bowl - 10 p.m-1 a.m. Friday Night

075. Ben's Chili Bowl was absolutely packed for the free show Friday night.

076. Preparation was a complete bitch, but at least I got to hang out with Jason (Statham) Bond Pratt from BYT, who appropriately enough, was transporting our setup.

077. In our gift bags, we should've asked for some duct tape.

078. The BYT vinyl banner, against all odds, was held to the screen in the back room of Ben's by roughly 65 BYT logo stickers.

079. It would hold for close to two hours, until it started to collapse during Seaton Smith's set. As I repaired it, a mock-argument ensued.

080. The crowd was not aware that we were kidding.

081. "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my real dad!" "Yeah, I ain't your daddy - and I ain't your fuckbuddy, either!" "Not anymore!"

082. My volunteers for the Chili Bowl show included a 17-year-old kid described to me as "the little weird kid who keeps bothering the comics."

083. I made a little game out of talking to him in direct quotes from Frank Miller comics, and frequently calling him "rookie."

The Attempted Comprehensive List of Open Mic Swing-Bys (Friday and Saturday)

084. Justin Cousson

085. Vish Bhatt

086. Jeff Klinger

087. Ali Wong (An exceptionally angry guest of Alex Koll. Very polished, very rage-filled)

088. Alex Koll

089. Jake Young

090. Seaton Smith

091. Jason Weems

092. Bryson Turner

093. A guy off the street named Royce who talked about how while it's "hard out here for a pimp," it's much harder out there for ants.

094. Two guys from AU, one of who was named "Tat," who just snuck on because Vish let them.

095. Seth Herzog

096. Nick Thune

097. Nick Offerman

098. Jackie Kashian

099. Hampton Yount

100. Erin Ryan

101. Ben Kronberg
102. John McBride

103. Jeff Maurer

104. Tyler Sonnichsen

105. Some of those names don't exactly fit there.

106. You see, the problem was the term "open mic."

107. The show was not an open mic.

108. In fact, the show was based off a show that Andy Wood ran at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.

109. There, it was called "The Continuous Comedy Cavalcade."

110. Which is a much better name for a show that's intended to be random and unstructured than "The Open Mic."

111. Because when people see "open mic," they think "open mic."

112. And then you get Seth Herzog and Nick Thune waiting in the back while Tat from AU talks about stuff he wished came out of his dick.

113. I highly recommend the chili fries.

114. And bringing a riser, lights, a mic stand, and a speaker from the front of Ben's Chili Bowl (which is perpetually packed) to the back is complete hell.

115. There was a really good crowd on opening night, probably about 55 people.

116. I enjoyed hosting, especially making the comedians whisper their credits into my ear, making it clear for the crowd that many of us had never met (even the ones that I'd known for years).

117. 55 very sweaty people hung around for a mostly decent show.

118. That being said, it would've been nice if we had known there was an air conditioner in the back room.

119. At least we knew straight up one way the show the next night would be better.

After-Party: The Gibson Showroom

120. Hey! It's Dave Hill. I follow him on Twitter. If he had a band, I bet they'd sound a lot like Electric Six.

121. There are guitars everywhere. Expensive guitars. On the walls.

122. They keep Epiphones in the bathroom. I play an Epiphone.

123. "Do you wanna take a picture with one of them?"

124. "What for?" "For Gibson."

125. "Ah hell yeah; let me fetch a Thunderbird."

Justin Cousson's Bass Guitar Poses

126. High-Powered Bass Rifle

127. Dead-eyed Bassist Stare

128. Elvis Costello's My Aim is True.

129. Curling up on the sofa after a long night.

130. "Right after I pulled the bass out of the stone to become the king of England."

131. Paul Simonon on the cover of London Calling

132. Free. Burritos.

133. "What should I get, Matt?"

134. "I'm eating the BBQ guy, and it's pretty good."

135. Matt Braunger is the master of the understatement.

136. California Tortilla, I will never eat at Chipotle ever again.

137. Ian Svenonius, if I knew what you were famous for, I'd say hey, but I only know you as the guy who was in that band that they named the Nacho platter ("Nachos of Ulysses") after.

138. Ian Svenonius, I'm saying hey because you have a cool suit.

139. "They guys sound like The White Stripes, you know, if the White Stripes kicked ass." - Me, talking about Benjy Ferree, who performed a free show for us.

140. I don't like drinking, really.

141. I do like ordering drinks, however.

142. "Give me something that'll make me feel like I have no elbows."

143. Apparently, that's just Smirnoff and Minute-Maid Lemonade.

144. I walked on out to the balcony to put my elbows on the edge and look out at the city.

145. I had a seriously majestic view of the Regal Cinema in Chinatown and the Lucky Strike Lanes sign that flashed "B-O-W-L"

146. I felt fortunate to be there, as if things had never been this good before and I just needed to hold on to the moment.

147. But mostly I really wanted to bowl.

Social Function: Champagne and Cake at the Renaissance Hotel

148. "Are you old enough?"

149. "Barely," I respond. I mean, it was a vague question.

150. All the snacks here look so delicate. I don't want to touch the flatbreads. They look like tiny works of sandwich art.

151. I'm eating a cupcake and I bump into the guy from Fugazi. That's how I like it.

152. Hampton and I clink glasses for a photographer, having already stuck cupcakes in our champagne glasses.

153. "I don't even like champagne, but the fact that they had a really nice guy at the door just serving it to us - I couldn't say no" - Eli Sairs.

154. Group Photo!

155. Nothing says "I just left a champagne and cake reception" like walking into an elevator and hearing a mother tell her child "Don't make me beat you in front of people."

156. Dangit, I'm already starting to feel nostalgic.
157. Reggie Watts brought down the house Thursday at HR-57 when he started singing the beginning of "Hunger Strike" by Temple of the Dog in the middle of his set.
158. "Temple of the Dog were not good, in retrospect. They were a good idea, but they were not a particularly good band." - Reggie Watts, later.
159. I never really liked Temple of the Dog, but they made some good points.
160. As for whether I mind stealing bread, it all depends on the status of my cup, be it merely flowing or significantly overfilled.

The Studio Theater - Milton Stage - 7 p.m. Saturday

161. Arrived in the Green Room and pulled the first volunteer I could find there aside because I wanted to run a joke by her that I'd been writing in my head since Thursday.

Studio Theater Line-Up (minutes)

162. Jeff Maurer (MC)
163. Justin Cousson (10)
164. Rory Scovel (10)
165. Ben Kronberg (10)
166. Natasha Leggero (10)
167. Nick Offerman (10)
168. A.D. Miles (15)
169. Kyle Dunnigan (15)
170. Tig Notaro (15)

171. I get my first few signatures on the Bentzen Ball posters they're selling at the venues. I vow not to be a fanboy and only ask for autographs when someone looks absolutely bored.

171.5 Although I had no problem signing for anyone at any given moment.

172. That joke I was working on? I open my set with it.
"I try to make my humor as accessible and relatable as I can...so, does anybody here hate 1930s Delta Bluesmen as much as I do?"

173. They laugh. I howl out my fake blues song bit with alarming sincerity, playing an imaginary guitar, amused that two of the guys following me play actual guitars.

174. Mine's nicer. It has rhinestones.

175. Botched a joke ("I told my friends I grew a beard."). Told the audience we were going to do the time machine thing, and I re-told it, changing the word ("I told my friends I grew a mustache"). Nice save.

176. Convinced the audience that the full glass of water I was drinking from was filled with vodka.

177. It was only about 60% vodka.

178. Never did a theater-in-the-round show before. It's classy. Like Shakespeare. If Shakespeare had an MC who said "dick" about 50 times in 8 minutes.


179. That wasn't meant to be an insult. The audience loved him.

180. The Studio Theater audiences love dick.

181. That one might be an insult.

182. Kidding, kidding.

183. I lisped the word "professor" again. The vodka did not help.

184. "Cat in a microwave...looks like he's on TV." - Ben Kronberg.

185. All the jitters I should get before I go onstage seem to show up immediately after my set ends. I walked down the Escher steps and started pacing around the green room, wondering what I was going to say up there.

186. Nick Offerman plays a song for me in the green room.

187. In my head, I vow to start watching Parks and Recreation.

188. I tell Natasha Leggero that I really enjoyed her set.

189. I'm 85% sure she doesn't know why I'm backstage.

190. I finally talk to Tig Notaro for more than a minute.

191. A minute later, Tig Notaro comes off like a total player. She's got ladies lining up. Pop that collar, girl.

192. Unintended Insult of the Week: I talk to A.D. Miles, head writer for Jimmy Fallon. "So, you make Fallon funny?" *shrug* "I try."

193. Did I mention I can't perform with anything in my pockets? I totally left my festival ID, wallet, cell phone, two pens, a roll of Smarties and keys under a chair backstage for like an hour.

194. Kronberg pulls me aside. I'm terrified when he says "Listen, about that joke..." knowing that's the same tone I use when I tell someone I've heard another comedian do the same bit.

195. I didn't expect to end it with "I think it's excellent." We then brainstorm ideas for my Earth Day joke, with Ben suggesting I dub Earth "the 7-11 of the universe." Seriously, we've got it all.

196. Walking around town wearing a Bentzen Ball comedian pass and a giant pair of sunglasses is an excellent way of making people think you're more famous than you actually are.

197. I think the second-best way I've been able to drum up publicity for the show has to be stopping at posters around town and signing them.

Ben's Chili Bowl - 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. Saturday

198. Ben's Chili Bowl - now with string to hold up the BYT banner.

199. Sign-ups for the show Vish is hosting are brisk. Jackie Kashian, Alex Koll, and myself get the show started off strong.

200. Then we hit a lull once we run out of comedians and Vish lets some of his (girl)friend's friends from AU take the stage to kill time while I swing by the Batcave to see if I can catch a little bit of the show Aparna's on.

201. I'm introduced to friends of Shauna's, one of whom thinks the "Laurel" on my shirt is for "Laurel, Iowa." We talk about Van Meter (hometown of Cleveland Indians Hall-of-Famer Bob Feller), George Reeves and Ashton Kutcher, as the open mic suffers.

202. By the time I flid back to the Bowl, the show is saved by way of Nicks (Offerman and Thune, who took the stage with his videocamera) and Seth Herzog.

203. "I got organic testicles put into my nutsack so I could green teabag people." - Nick Thune.

204. "I got organic testicles put into my nutsack so I could green teabag people." - Nick Thune again, after a different joke gets a lukewarm response.

205. Thune performs half of his set from behind the kitchen door, looking at the crowd through a window. "I can't tell if you're laughing or not."

Credit: Jim Lo Scalzo-for The Washington Post. Yeah, I mean, that's totally how it looked.

206. The place is packed; people are sitting up the spiral staircase in the back of the room.

207. Erin Ryan, the absolutely adorable volunteer driver for the fest, does a set, telling a story about how her Big Mac costume got stolen in Dupont Circle.

208. Andy Wood, the organizer of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, and one of the big behind-the-scenes names, does a set and he kills. "When streaking with a girl, make sure that she's not running in front of you, because there's a thin-line between good-natured streaking and sex dungeon escapee."

Afterparty #3: Gold Leaf Studios - 12-4 a.m. Saturday Night

209. Holy crap, this place looks condemned from the outside (in a bad way)

210. Holy crap, this place looks condemned on the outside (in a good way)

211. Free food in a dimly lit corner. I stick with tortilla chips because what I thought was a tray of brownies was actually full of black beans. I play no gambles.

212. The Bentzen Ball's shocking secret: all the comedians were selected based on dancing ability alone.

What Comedians Dance To (Selections from Saturday's Dance Party):

213. "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" - The Temptations

214. "Miss You" - Rolling Stones

215. "Heat Wave" - Martha & The Vandellas

216. Little Red Corvette" - Prince

217. "Doin' It" - LL Cool J

218. I must've ruined so many pictures at the dance party just by standing completely still.

219. Natasha Leggero is an incredible dancer. That being said, I'm glad I dodged the invisible lasso.

220. My primary dance-move is the creepily accurate lip-synch.

221. That, and a can opener into a knee-spin. But you can't take a girl by the hand and get her to breakdance with you. And after you do it once, you can't, lest you look like you want attention.

222. I signed a guitar.

223. I played the first few chords of "Knockin' On Heavens Door" and then "Heroes" by David Bowie, because the only chords I know are C, D, and G.

224. You don't have to wait until people are passed out to write on them. Just a little drunk will do.

225. I totally wrote my social security number on a girl's arm in the form of a phone number. I thought I was clever.

226. I probably shouldn't have done that.

227. This is the first time that I've actually had the regret, "I could've slept in a warehouse if I wanted to."

Sunday Morning

228. At the hotel by 11, intending on hitting up a wax museum trip that everybody slept through. My combined affinity for celebrities and candles will have to wait for another day.

229. I catch Todd Barry checking his flight and ask him where the "muffin room" is.

230. Slight awkward pause. It is established that it is not a euphemism.

231. He leads me to elevator and up to the hospitality suite, but not before I almost get off on the wrong floor and then backtrack into the elevator, almost hitting a guy on crutches.

232. I run into Jackie Kashian at the suite.

233. "Ain't this the life? They've brought in the Special K for us."

234. Jackie is determined to get some fruit in during her day. A noble goal.

235. We talk about comic books. I need to be reading Irredeemable and whatever Brubaker's doing. I recommend Ex Machina, because Jackie Kashian is a living, breathing person and therefore should enjoy it.

236. Best criticism of the weekend. "I think the crowd kinda lost him there because it seemed like he really enjoyed hitting women." - Jackie on Vish Bhatt at Ben's Chili Bowl.

237. Comedian I'd like to see at a future Bentzen Ball more than anyone: Erin Foley.

238. Off to grab Chinese with Jackie, Alex Koll and Lizz Winstead.

239. Lizz is in demand; the Huffington Post was looking for her all Friday, and Jackie did an interview as her after Reggie Watts set it up.

240. The Chinese place (China Express) has nowhere to sit. They do, however, have "Turckey" and "Lemoned."

241. Rather than stooping, we head off in the direction of Ethiopian food. ("I didn't know they even had food in Ethiopia..." "They don't. It's all on this one street in D.C.")

242. I pass my Humanities professor. He's on the phone, but I manage to get a high-five in.

243. We talk about the first jokes we ever wrote and resist a particularly tempting flea market.

244. We all decide to get a massive sampler. I order the water.

245. Best idea of the Weekend: A coffee table book of Comedy Club backdrops. Watch for that blog kicking off sometime next week.

246. Ethiopian food is kinda like picking up Thanksgiving sides with a soggy pancake.

246 1/2. Aforementioned soggy pancake feels exactly like the kind of material that'd make for a good jacket.

247. Over food, we debate whether any American rock band has had a similar impact to the Beatles.

247 1/2: Our only contenders: Metallica. And maybe the Beach Boys.

248. Lizz picks up the bill; lucky for me, as I am down to $4 in 2-dollar bills. Carry them around if you never want to spend money ever, as your friends will be like "those are rare, keep them!"

249. I helped pick up cab fare back to the hotel with aforementioned bill.

250. And there's Sarah Silverman.

251. I'm finding it hard to break my "no-fun" rule. She's sitting Indian-style on the floor of the hotel lobby, looking generally delighted to be around.

252. So, I pester, and she's a dear.

253. When I try to take a photo with Sarah Silverman, my camera's shutter won't open fully.

254. Instead, I get out my video camera and we stand really, really still.

The Finale: Sarah Silverman at the 9:30 Club

255. "We like to start these shows with a local performer...this is a very talented girl, but its a lot of pressure, so don't make fun of her if she bombs."

256. And there's the woman of the hour.

257. If I knew Sarah Silverman would be playing using the guitar I signed Saturday night, I would've signed a bigger, longer name.

And Right Now

258. "Just before 4 a.m., Justin Cousson, a 20-year-old student and stand-up comic troupe member at the University of Maryland, plops down on a white sofa. He's pretty much the luckiest guy in the world, he says. BYT invited him to be at the festival, which put him side by side with his favorite comics. "I got lucky," Cousson says. "The whole city got lucky. The audiences left knowing they live in a city where anything can happen."" - The Washington Post

259. Too bad that "Legalize Gay" t-shirt was a large. Now I can only wear it to sleep.

"The Shakedown."

The Bentzen Ball is about to eat my life.

Like any straight male in a Tegan and Sara hoodie waking up nine minutes before noon on a Wednesday morning and making a handful of candy corn breakfast, the future of my hair is my biggest concern. My hair has to be perfect. I want to get it cut because its too long in the back, but I don't because its not long enough in the front and I'll ask them to cut it just a little bit and I'll look like David Bowie-circa Diamond Dogs, which is shorthand for "menacing lesbian." I was just at Floyd's the other day because the woman who cuts my hair wanted info on the shows; I have to go back tomorrow because my second HR-57 show got turned into a bigger deal down at the Studio Theatre. I'll resist the temptation to let her take a little off the back.

I'm getting myself into the game. I've got my hood up and my guard down. I'm holding onto the sink in the bathroom, mostly beatboxing in my head, putting up my rapper fists, getting ready to drop bombs, you know. I know the enemy and he is I, I know my ally and he's me. I look I/me in the him/eye and...

OhmygawdohmygawdohmygawdIHAVEAZIT.

Gahhh. Pimple! Right on my face!

I've tried everything. I've tried hitting it, I've tried yelling at it, but mostly I kinda just rub a cold soda bottle against it. Then I yell some more.

I'm ready.

---

What to-do, What to-do...

Thursday Night

• HR-57 - 10:00-1:00 a.m.
  w/Rory Scovel, Hampton Yount, John McBride, Aparna Nancherla, Justin Schlegal, Bryson Turner, Courtney Fearringon, Justin Cousson, Vish Bhatt, Randolph Terrance, Rob Maher, Seaton Smith.
  
• Ben's Chili Bowl - 10:00-1:00 a.m.
  Being two places at once w/Seaton Smith, Vish Bhatt, and half-smokes, presumably.

Friday Night

• Ben's Chili Bowl - 10:00-1:00 a.m.
  Hosting w/Seaton Smith, Vish Bhatt, and a cast of thousands.

Saturday Night

• Studio Theatre (Milton) - 7:00-9:00 p.m
  w/Tig Notaro, Kyle Dunnigan, A.D. Miles, Natasha Leggero, Nick Offerman, Rory Scovel, Ben Kronberg, Justin Cousson, Jeff Maurer.
  
• Ben's Chili Bowl - 10:00-1:00 a.m.
  Hosting w/Seaton Smith, Vish Bhatt, and drunken Howard Homecoming debaucherers.

"Fielded."

Russell Peters and Kevin Nealon swung by UMD last night for the Homecoming Comedy Show in Cole Field House. Allegedly, buzz for the show was so large that the capacity of the venue had to be upped from 6,000 to 7,500 by moving back the stage.

I didn't think I was going to be there, as I was honestly stuck in a Journalism News and Reporting course that starts at 7:00 (the same time doors were due to open) and ran until 8:50.

Despite the show being sold out well in advance, I managed to casually stroll into the venue - the perks of being an hour late to the show. I was astonished by how well Peters worked the crowd. By all means, at every break between sentences, there was either an uproar of laughter or a wave of simultaneous approval doled out in applause. That, and I found it pretty cool that he's one of the few comedians I can name who seem to be famous strictly for doing stand-up - he's not a movie star or a guy with a sitcom. Just a comedian. Drawing thousands on his name alone. Wow.

Making the most of the distracted masses, I managed to hand out about 150 Bentzen Ball fliers on my way down to the floor as the show ended; some merely on the principle of "take one and pass it down."

After the show, Vish (who'd been in the front row fainting the entire time) and I hung out with Russell and Kevin for a little bit. Vish had talked to Russell's P.R. people and spoken with his tour managers before the show and had permission to come backstage. He, however, did not get permission from Student Entertainment Events, who were actually running the show, which resulted in half an hour of "you look like you're lying," from inquisitive student employees and a case of one girl asking "how did you get back here again?" only to then get shut down immediately by a hulking bodyguard saying "they're with us" causing her to immediately liquefy. Kevin was extremely interested in the Ball when I talked to him about it and said he'd have to talk to Tig about it, especially if it becomes an annual thing. He added that he wishes me good luck but that I don't really need it because I "look funny" already.

Russell Peters thinks I'm Japanese, which was kinda cool, too. I didn't talk to him all that much, I decided to let Vish have his moment with his hero. He later exploded when Russell wrote to him on Twitter. Services will be held Sunday.

It's a pretty fair time to be a student at Maryland. We have a new slogan, you know.

Swing by later and there'll be some new Bentzen Ball updates. They'll be pretty keen.

"The Colors!"

My name is floating! And I'm totally freaked out!

"Invitations."

Here's a first look at the fliers for the Bentzen Ball, which will be stomping U St. like a man in a dinosaur suit over so many miniature Tokyos in less than three weeks.



Some affection may not be present on finished product.

I'll be receiving 250 of those to keep the College Park campus warm later tonight, as Brightest Young Things proves to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Yesterday, I was featured in BYT's Comedy section, as the second in a series of profiles of the comedians performing at the Bentzen Ball.

With the expected following questions about my sexual orientation that happen when your questionnaire suggests that you want to marry a man and bang goats that sound like frat boys.

Today, however, it's all about Bryson Turner, who was one of the best comedians in D.C. when I was first coming up, and then ditched us to become the Funniest Person in Austin, TX, which I actually believe is an official military ranking over there. It's going to be great to have him back, and he'll be performing at HR-57 with me in the locals show on the first night, and in other shows at the jazz club (named for the House Resolution naming jazz a national treasure. Either that, or for 2009's Terrorism Rewards Enhancement Act. You see, these numbers are frequently reused.)

You can check out his profile here.

"The Secret Handshake."

Hey all,

I'm writing this entry from the broadcast room of WMUC, which, for the uninitiated, is the 10-watt radio station broadcasting above the South Campus Dining Hall at the University of Maryland. I did the same thing last week, except today I'm dressed for the sudden cold snap and am no longer accompanied by the shy squirrel who snuck in through the window to eat the garbage once I was done with it. I've had a regular show at this mecca of metal, Christian hip-hop and general hipsterdom since last summer, when I took over for the Alternative Breakfast Party from Hell with the aptly-named Alternative Summer Vacation. This semester, I never changed the name of my show on the mock schedule circulated, so I'm holding the reins of Natural Light, named for an ill-tasting and plentiful alcohol I've seen stocked by the fridgeful.

I just thought I'd misspelled "fridgeful" up there and went to correct myself. Then I realized that "fridgeful" is not actually a word, so I'll spell it however I please. I did also misspell "misspell," and will return to my old habit of just saying I spelled whatever "wrong" because while Blogger gives me the luxury of the scalloped red line, I may not be so fortunate on AIM and Facebook chat, and god forbid I look silly while chatting on the internet.

In more relevant news, I have more news for you guys.

So, we all know by now that the Bentzen Ball is gonna be huge. William "The Refrigerator" Howard Taft huge. Word on the tweet is that something like 800 tickets were sold in the first hour the fest was announced. This is a monster of a festival the way that "Headed for a Heartbreak" by Winger and "Is This Love" by Whitesnake are monsters of ballads.

This is a comedy sandwich with Patton Oswalt and Sarah Silverman as the bread, Todd Barry and Jimmy Dore as turkey, and names I can't even disclose yet as chicken and ham. That's right - this is a sandwich with everything on it. "Everything" including bacon and Marshmallow Fluff.

This is a festival that spans the country from LA to Chicago to Boston to right here, where our baseball teams can't even contend. This is a festival that takes the best of the nation, people with credits like Reno 911, Live at Gotham, Comedy Central Presents, Flight of the Conchords, Premium Blend, and tons of gone-in-a-month Comedy Central original programming and says, "Welcome to D.C., prepare to meet the best comedians you've never heard of. You're lucky this isn't a street fight."

Oh, and I didn't mention it earlier, but I'm pretty sure I'm macaroni salad.

But right here, I'm letting you know how you can get a little taste of the fest for free. Of course, this is the kind of free that's going to make you want to buy tickets to the other shows, t-shirts, stickers, wristbands, the kind of free that whets your appetite and then turns you into a full-blown binge eater. This is the kind of free show that you sell your soul for. That's right, this free show is a puppy dog, a mountain bike, a date with Kaitlin Troute, and a drop of delicious, electrolyte-replenishing Gatorade in the desert.

Each night of the festival from roughly 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. with madness in-between, Vish Bhatt, Seaton Smith and I will be setting up shop in the back of silent-movie house turned D.C. landmark Ben's Chili Bowl on 1213 U St, running a free show with a revolving door of the Bentzen Ball comedians. As in, anyone from that star-studded and celebrity-buttoned jacket could be there, in the famous dive frequented by Cosby, Bono and Barack.

And half-smokes. Half-smokes never. freakin'. leave.

So, re-watch The Pelican Brief, tuck the kids into bed, put on your best fedora, and swing by.

It's happening.

Pretty yourself up, put on your best shoes. And prepare a Solar Viewing Box, because who knows how many chances you'll get to see something like it.